Just imagine a future of frolicking
on the beach in white clothing*
*Information on past performance is not a guide to future performance. Rest assured, however, that your financial advisor will be frolicking on a beach spending absolutely zero time thinking about you.
Bear Brothers is determined to drag you through our process:
Size you up
The first step is to get to know you and see how we can best use this information to maximize our earnings.
Pass you off
Depending on your net worth, you will either be placed with the next advisor in line or be used as a prize for our
Create a cash cow
Your advisor will help guide you to make the right decisions for
An independent survey shows that more of our lady clients get
piggyback rides from their husbands than those with any other firm.
“When you're financially
secure, your wife will
refuse to walk!”
“Since Bear Brothers goes
the extra mile, so
can my man--MUSH!.”
“And after a long romantic
walk I can now afford the
“I'm single, but as a Bear Brothers client, I have strange ladies
just jump on my back!”
Meet the Team!
Sales Manager, Jim Jones
Jim Jones began his career with Salmon Brothers, a leader in the New Jersey waste disposal industry. The first of his “family” to attend college, he graduated from Eastman Business College in just under seven years with a degree in Shadow Banking. Combining his educational work with hands-on business experience, Jim founded Bear Brothers with a consortium of silent investors led by his Uncle Sal as the family continues to diversify its various holdings.
Financial Advisor Billy Martin
Billy Martin began his career as a detailer at Roy L. Fuchs Pre-Owned Automobiles, where he quickly rose through the ranks to become their 4th-best salesman. Parlaying his mediocrity in used car salesmanship, he deftly transitioned into a gold brokerage position with Russian-based Noorseekee, Inc. before joining the Bear Brothers team in 2010.
Financial Advisor Harry Hirsute
After a record fifteen failed attempts at the GED, Harry Hirsute became a Baltimore Stockbroker where his performance earned him a 3-5 year “vacation”. When he got out, he started a series of exciting businesses that would have been hugely successful but for the challenging business environment, regulatory uncertainty, unfavorable tax treatment, employee turnover and a number of other factors for which he takes no responsibility. The good news is Harry is back in the investment world with Bear Brothers.
Financial Advisor Steve Miller
Steve Miller studied business at Grand Lakes University under professor Thornton Melon. A lifelong peddler, he has held sales positions with the Brooklyn Bridge Company, the Institute For More Robocalls and the National Organization of Long-Term Care Insurance for Pets. When he’s not hard at work as a Bear Brothers Financial Advisor you can usually find Steve sleeping one off fresh from another losing weekend in Vegas.
Financial Advisor Tim Roswell
Tim Roswell began his career selling gravesites along the San Andreas Fault. After a series of earthquakes, he transitioned to the Diamond Life Insurance Company where he specialized in selling Premium-Financed-Semi-Variable-Sorta-Guranteed-Universal-Life policies with attractive lifetime surrender charges. Although Tim has been in the Bear Brothers compensation “Penalty Box” for most of his career, his clients can barely notice the desperation in his voice as he struggles to hit his quarterly sales quotas.
IF the Bear Brothers Financial Advisors are not your cup of tea,
you might want to check out the true professionals at
“Fairhaven Wealth Management....
I hate those guys!”
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is completely coincidental.